Tuesday, November 30, 2004

A presidential pardon as imagined by me

Here's my fictional account of how the recent presidential pardon of Richard Morse might have played out.
Aide: Mr. President?
W: Huh?
Aide: We need to review the holiday pardon requests, sir.
W: Didn't we already do that?
Aide: That was the turkey, sir. Today we're doing people.
W: Okay, shoot.
Aide: First up is a guy who stole a car 40 years ago.
W: What kind of car?
Aide: A Cadillac.
W: What year an model?
Aide: A 1958 DeVille, I think. Light pink.
W: Heh heh, roomy back seat on that one, if you know what I mean.
Aide: Of course, sir. Anyway, about the pardon--
W: Let 'm fry.
Aide: Sir?
W: He knew what he was doin', didn't he? There's laws, and they got to be respected. I'll pull the switch myself.
Aide: Sir, it's not a capital case.
W: Say what?
Aide: It's not a death penalty case, sir. He served a few months in prison in the 1960's.
W: Then what's he want to be pardoned for? He trying to vote? Declined. Make sure he's on the list.
Aide: No sir, actually he tried to buy a gun. That's why he wants to be pardoned, so he can buy a gun.
W: Well I appreciate the man's got some moral character, but he's still a criminal, and criminals need to be taken off the street. Can't we get him on parole violation or something?
Aide: Mr. President, I don't think you understand.
W: Huh?
Aide: He's white.
W: Well why didn't you say so! I can't believe I let you lead me on like that. Did Rove put you up to this? Cheney? It was Cheney, wasn't it, the knucklehead. Gimme a pen and show me where to sign.
Remember, this is pure satire! I don't seriously believe the President is a racist. I do think, though, that capital punishment is implemented with racial bias, and we all know how the former Governor of Texas feels about capital punishment. The current choice of pardon is interesting when you look at his history of not pardoning people on death row.

BTW, I'm only guessing that Mr. Morse is white. Anyone know for sure?

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

When did Liz Phair lose her last shred of dignity?

I was flipping through radio stations the other day, and since the pickings are slim around here I settled on a mediocre teeny-girl pop song. It had a catchy hook that was repeated ad nauseum, loud-but-clean guitars laying down simple major chords, and a competent voice singing forgettable lyrics about a boyfriend or something. Probably some Avril Lavigne wannabe, I thought.

It was Liz Phair.

Huh? Like, as in Exile in Guysville, male-ass-kicking indie rock chick from Chicago? I was in Chicago when she was breaking in, and she was revered. She was supposed to be the next Rolling Stones all by herself, Mick and Keith rolled into a model's body. The rock critics tripped over their own drool trying to be the first to call her a rising star.

Now she's doing bubble-gum girl pop. I'm sure it pays really well, and I don't fault her for it; I was just surprised. I was even more surprised at the soft-core porn poses on her website. Isn't she a mom? These pictures would have been hot when she was 25, but now they just seem calculated and avaricious.

Maybe I'm just jealous because she's acting young while I'm acting old, and she's a famous pop star while I'm just a small-town shlep.

Is there still time for me to get a record deal?

Monday, November 22, 2004

A dad's duty

Sometimes we dads just have to tell it like it is. Pops Bucket related a story that reminded me of a run-in I had with poo a couple of months ago.

I took the 3 kids out to dinner to give the Mrs. a break. We went to Applebee's. My youngest, 3, was just getting the hang of potty training but I had her in a diaper to take no chances. Or so I thought.

After we ordered, she said, "Daddy, I pooed." "You mean you have to go poo?" I replied, hopefully. "No, I already pooed!" And I could smell it. Having forgotten the diaper bag in the van, I decided to take her out to the van to change her, leaving the older 2 in the company of complete strangers. I could see them through the restaurant window, but still I wanted to rush back so they wouldn't get arrested or something.

So I get to the van, pull down the diaper, and no poo. False alarm! Must have been a fart. I rush back into the restaurant, explaining to her the difference between a fart and a real poo. "But I did poo!" she protested. "It fell out!"

Oh jeeez.

Back at the table, the older two playing hockey with the salt and pepper shakers, I smell a smell. A bad smell. Coming right from under the table. People all around us are trying to eat their dinners, but I know they smell it too. As discreetly as possible, I collect the ball of poo in a napkin and make a beeline for the men's room.

More bad news for would-be college students: If you're black, don't bother.

At least that's the message some people are getting. Details at Universities Record Drop In Black Admissions (washingtonpost.com)

Hey, who needs college anyway--I hear the Army is looking for recruits!

Since when did poor people get so uppity and think they could go to college?

The New York Times reports that "as many as 1.2 million low-income students could have their (Pell) grants cut" as the Administration changes the formula for awarding the grants to low-income students seeking a college education.

But you know what? It's no big deal. You can just join the army to get money for education! Assuming you survive your deployment.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

"My Little Pony" is the work of Satan

My five-year-old really, really wanted a My Little Pony, and eventually a toy-purchase occasion came up and we got it for her. It looks innocent enough: rounded contours, big Bambi eyes, a flowing mane, a cute name, magnetic hoof, saddle, jeweled crown, and of course, wings. The package contains no warning, though, that this toy is actually a channeling device for Satan's helpers to insert evil thoughts and attitudes into the minds of children.

It apparently acts as some kind of amplifier. The jealousy that spawned the original request for the toy (the other kindergarteners all have one!) didn't go away--it grew like a bottom-feeding giant squid. Simply having this thing in her possession makes her unhappy. The bad feelings have spilled over into all areas of her life, leading to hour-long tantrums around going to school, going to bed, and anything in between.

God, give us strength to overcome the curse of My Little Pony. Amen.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Bizarre hamburger chic

Ronald McDonald never looked like this when I was a kid! Via Adrants.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Looking for inspiration

I'm desperately trying to write about anything but politics for the rest of the month. What's done is done, and I don't want to rehash it. So what do I end up doing? Writing about not writing about politics.

A few floating thoughts today...
  • I absolutely love Thunderbird. Having RSS newsfeeds alongside my mail and newsgroups makes a lot of sense, and best of all it's not Outlook. Firefox is great too. Simple, easy and completely intuitive. If you haven't jumped on the bandwagon already, now's the time.
  • David Weinberger has been impressing me with his insight for years. I've probably been "borrowing" his ideas for years as well, which I now realize I've just done by mentioning Thunderbird (he also wrote about it today, well before I did). He's a guy who can step back and think about things like Voice over IP without the constraints of context that hinder most of us.
  • I enjoyed some laughs today courtesy of Web Pages That Suck and The Onion.
There. Three things, not one of them political, except maybe the Onion article. Not bad, eh?

Monday, November 08, 2004

Evidence Mounts That The Vote May Have Been Hacked

I love a good, plausible conspiiracy theory. Even if the tabulation computers weren't hacked, it's still a glaring vulnerability in our patchwork of voting systems. And if they were in fact tampered with? It wouldn't be this president's first stolen election.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Cronkite said what?

Very interesting! Micro Persuasion: Here Comes Cronkitegate

I don't believe him

Osama bin Laden has fooled the right. His speech was on the surface anti-Bush, and the simpletons at the National Review lapped it up.

What does bin Laden want? He wants, above all else, to rid the Arab world of monarchies and secular governments. He wants a pan-Arab, Muslim theocracy. To get there, he gets us to do the heavy lifting. We invade, destabilize the region, then they chip away like they did in Afghanistan until they win. He likes having Bush around because it accelerates the process.

He also knows that his image, to Americans, stirs up the kind of hatred that makes us want to kick some ass. In other words, elect Bush. His echoing of the American left is an attempt to elicit the same reaction.

Could he possibly have any reason for wanting Bush out? Things are going so well for him. Granted, he did lose Afghanistan, but that would have happened after 9/11 if a monkey was president. He has Iraq in chaos, with secular Saddam out of the picture. He's got thousands of young men learning the art of war, as he did in Afghanistan. He's got the free world divided, a stark change from the post-9/11 unity and cooperation in the war against terrorists. He also seems to be eating well and getting good medical care. He sure doesn't look like a desperate fugitive.

Anyone who takes what this guy says at face value is a damn fool.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Thank God it's over

I'm not talking about the election, because it hasn't happened yet and may go on for weeks anyway. No, my relief flows from the end of the weeklong nightmare known as Halloween.

The tension started to build well ahead of the event with costume selection. The middle child wanted the sassy Barbie devil costume shown in a catalog for $40; the youngest wanted Hello Kitty nothing else just Hello Kitty!; the oldest couldn't decide. Answers: we'll make a devil costume, but we're not buying one; we already have a black cat costume, so you're going to be Hello Kitty's friend Choco Cat; you'd better make up your mind or there won't be any trick or treating. Remarkably everyone agreed. The oldest decided to be a Lego guy.

Three evenings of costume-making later, we were ready for Halloween Day 1: The School Edition, which was on a Thursday because school was closed Friday (meetings or something). Halloween Day 2: The Town Edition was on Friday, with trick-or-treating at local businesses. Then Halloween Day 3: The Party Edition came on Saturday, when the oldest was sick and stayed home while the other two went to two parties, skipping the third because they were just too worn out. Finally we had Halloween Day 4: The Halloween Edition. This involved a day of waiting, an early dinner, a mad dash of putting on costumes and pinning up the broken parts, and finally trick-or-treating with Dad, who wore the cow suit from 7 years ago because it was in the Halloween box and the youngest saw it and as soon as she did there was absolutely no way I would get away with wearing anything else. Three-year-old pointing to the udder, which was below belt-high: "Dad, are those penises?"

Eleven minutes and 8 houses later the kids unanimously decided they wanted to go home. So we did, and they devoured their candy. Sugar rush. Insulin rush. Sugar low. At bedtime the youngest went through an absolutely hellish tantrum. After a solid half hour of screaming she drank 2 glasses of water and dropped asleep in her mother's arms. A half hour later, the oldest went through an absolutely hellish tantrum. After a solid half hour of screaming he drank 2 glasses of water and dropped asleep in his mother's arms. The middle child was perfectly fine.